Dr. Barta: Welcome back to Reconnection Moments, a space where we get real about intimacy disorders and healing from sexual compulsivity. Not through willpower or shame, but by gently rewiring the brain and body back into connection. I'm Dr. Michael Barta, creator of the Reconnection Model. In each episode, I'll be answering questions I hear most from clients and therapists, and I will also be sharing fresh insights from my ongoing work.

Cory Miller: Welcome back to the Reconnection Podcast. I'm Cory, and I'm here with Dr. Michael Barta. And today's topic is: Are You Paying for Intimacy? The Truth About OnlyFans and AI Girlfriends. Dr. Barta, you've been hearing from more people who are getting involved with OnlyFans or AI girlfriends and other forms of virtual relationships. And you think there's something much bigger happening here than just technology or sex.

Dr. Barta: Yeah. I mean, this is coming up a lot, right? And I want to begin with a different kind of question, right? What if the relationships that feel the safest to you are actually revealing why intimacy has become so difficult for you, right? So I like to start with a question, right?

Dr. Barta: Why are we turning to these things? Why are these men turning to these things? And I've been getting contacted more and more by people using OnlyFans, AI companions, AI platforms.

Dr. Barta: And I wanted to really start looking into this. And I found more than 30 websites alone that have services offering AI companionship. This wasn't a deep dive. This was like, you know, AI companionship, right? AI intimacy. And I just looked at the first few pages. I didn't even go deep, right? They're all over the place.

Dr. Barta: What happens is you can create someone who listens to you, someone, someone, or something that remembers things about you. It validates with you. It flirts with you. It tells you exactly what you want to hear, right? And it's available all the time, right?

Dr. Barta: And when I look at this through the lens of the work I do, I don't simply see people that are looking for sex. I'm looking for people who are starving for connection and finding increasingly sophisticated ways to experience the feelings of intimacy without ever having to risk real intimacy. That's an important statement right there.

Dr. Barta: They're getting a sense of intimacy because real intimacy feels too risky, right? And when it feels too risky, we're talking, it could be, you know, it feels too risky in the nervous system of how it developed around intimacy, right? So it's kind of blocking that, that ability to allow someone to see fully into us. But this is what concerns me.

Cory Miller: But, Doc, if someone feels less lonely or more connected, isn't that something, isn't something good happening there?

Dr. Barta: Well, the feeling can absolutely be real. And that's what makes this so powerful, right? Our brains respond to attention, validation, excitement, acceptance, and the feeling like someone's interested in us. A person can genuinely feel wanted, understood, soothed, or less alone, right? But we have to distinguish between feeling as though a relational need is being met and actually having that need met through genuine intimacy.

Dr. Barta: An AI girlfriend, right? You train it, and it's going to tell you that you're attractive. It's going to tell you that it understands you, that, you know, it's going to respond in ways designed around you.

Dr. Barta: This bot, right, doesn't have an independent emotional life that you have to make room for. You know, she, if we're using, you know, if it's a she, she doesn't have needs that compete with yours. She doesn't suddenly say, something feels different. I think you're hiding something from me.

Dr. Barta: Now, if we built that into the AI, it would go broke really quick, right? Because they're questioning this. But what matters is that a real person does. A partner's going to do this. And this is showing the person in themselves why, where they struggle with intimacy.

Cory Miller: So how is a platform like OnlyFans similar when there's actually a real person on the other side?

Dr. Barta: Well, the obvious difference is that on OnlyFans, the creator is a real human being, right? But when the guy starts interpreting a paid interaction as an intimate relationship, he needs to honestly look at what's happening.

Dr. Barta: Because there can be a lot of delusion around this, right? These guys say, but she is giving me what I want, right? She understands me. She's there to emotionally support me, you know? And I'm just like, buddy, that's fantasy, right? She's not real. She's not there, right?

Dr. Barta: And I've heard them say, you don't understand. She really cares. And maybe the interaction feels personal, right? I'm not saying that the person who's creating this content is incapable of caring for another human being, right? That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you are paying, paying, right? Giving money for the interaction. She's providing a service.

Dr. Barta: The thing is that most men just never comprehend is this person's also providing a similar experience to maybe hundreds of other people. They think they're the special one, right? They think, well, I'm different from all the other customers, right? It's me. I'm chosen. I'm the chosen one. That's what they're after. They're after being chosen, right? It's not necessarily sex. I want to be a chosen person.

Dr. Barta: And this is not an attack on the people providing this content at all. It's recognizing the difference between a commercial interaction and mutual intimacy. The same wake-up call applies to AI. If you're paying for a service to create someone who tells you what you really want to hear, we really need to be careful about calling that intimacy, because intimacy requires allowing another person to know who we are, right?

Dr. Barta: And that's the problem in the sexual addiction part, is we just cannot really allow someone who could possibly cause a threat to us to see inside of us. So we stay closed. We don't reveal our innermost self, so we're not rejected. And see, if this OnlyFans person rejects me, if this AI bot rejects me, so what? I just move on to the next one.

Dr. Barta: But if a true partner can reject me, that brings up a lot of fear. And that's what connects this to what, you know, you and I have talked about before called intimacy disorder.

Cory Miller: Could you share that now, you know, as you've talked about this and other platforms and real human authenticity, genuineness? Can you share a little bit about intimacy disorder?

Dr. Barta: Well, when I'm talking about intimacy disorder, right, what I'm really talking about is the inability to feel safe being fully seen, known, and accepted in connection with another person. And the guys I treat, they come in and, you know, in their early formation, they formed all these beliefs about themselves that are negative.

Dr. Barta: And they believe them because they had to believe them, because they were formed when they were very small, right? And it doesn't mean the parents were necessarily telling them that they were bad. But from what was going on in the environment, you know, the little kid made up, there's something wrong with me. So when that part gets in there, we want to protect anybody else from ever really seeing that part, even though it's never been true. But we want to protect ourselves. If they knew this about me, then they would go running to the hills.

Dr. Barta: The person still wants to be loved. But depending on what happened, being really known may feel dangerous, because that authentic self in us may have some point been rejected. We want connection. But vulnerability can absolutely feel unsafe. We might have been hurt when we were the most vulnerable.

Dr. Barta: And we all want someone to understand us. But he doesn't want to reveal any parts of himself that could possibly lead to rejection, judgment, shame, or abandonment. So he finds another way. And so pornography, fantasy, OnlyFans, now AI companionship, can provide some sense of the feeling associated with this type of connection while dramatically reducing the risk of actually being known.

Cory Miller: And you're saying this isn't necessarily because his wife or partner isn't giving him what he needs.

Dr. Barta: No. And, you know, I tell these guys all the time, how long has she been trying? Right? How long has she been trying to get you to open up? How long has she been trying to love you?

Dr. Barta: You, the person with this problem, will not allow their partners to do this. And then they blame them that they're not doing it. I mean, that's another part of the delusion with why we're in our addiction, right?

Dr. Barta: The partner's been trying. And she's been trying for a very long time. They've been trying for a very long time. Please let me in, right? Please, let's make this work. But the guy's constantly like this. I want you to come closer to me. I want you to come closer to me. But he never allows the closeness.

Dr. Barta: And that's really important because there can be genuine problems in a relationship, right? I'm not saying that they're perfect. But we should not automatically assume that someone went searching for artificial or purchased intimacy because the partner was failing to provide intimacy.

Dr. Barta: And some guys say, well, my partner doesn't provide this. Well, after 10 or 20 years of lying, would you want to provide intimacy? You know, so again, they're blaming the partner for the problem that they created.

Dr. Barta: And I've been working with people whose wives or husbands have been saying for years, talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling. Let me in. And the guy won't do it. He can't do it.

Dr. Barta: He may tell an AI companion something he can't tell the woman that he's sleeping right next to. Right? So here's the question. Why does something artificial feel safer than someone who actually loves you?

Dr. Barta: Real intimacy carries a risk. Your partner has feelings and needs. She can disagree with you. You can disappoint her. She can be hurt by you. She can see something in you that you would rather not see in yourself. And after betrayal, she may be very angry and devastated. She may be asking questions you don't want to answer.

Dr. Barta: But these, when we pay for this intimacy, we don't have to tolerate that same reality. So something that feels like intimacy can actually become another way of avoiding intimacy altogether.

Cory Miller: So someone can believe his needs are being met when they're really not being met.

Dr. Barta: Exactly. I mean, that happens all the time. That's what fantasy does. All right. Fantasy feels like something really cool is happening. But if you've ever stopped yourself in the middle of some type of fantasy, like you're a great football player or something, right? What are you really after in that fantasy? You're after that cheering crowd. The admiration. You know, the perks you get with it, right? The television interview. You're after the feelings that the fantasy's giving you. Right? It's not necessarily the fantasy.

Dr. Barta: So think about someone being hungry and they eat something that gives them the sensation of eating, but it doesn't actually nourish them. Right? For a moment, you feel better, but you're still hungry. And after a while, you're going to be starving. And that's what happens here. You feel wanted, noticed, accepted, understood.

Dr. Barta: And your nervous system may settle temporarily because it's receiving signals that resemble connection. But if the deeper need is genuine human connection, the substitute cannot or will not ever fully provide it. And here's the danger.

Dr. Barta: You may begin preferring the substitute because then we can control it. We turn off the switch on and off for intimacy, right? How much am I going to allow in today? How much am I not? Right? All the while, our partner's over there and we're just like, okay, I don't need this anymore. This is just a roommate now, right? This is just someone to take time in my life and occupy my space, right?

Dr. Barta: I'm getting my needs met over here. And that's basically the definition of betrayal, right? I'm pretending like I'm being intimate with you when I'm not. That's what causes the anger.

Dr. Barta: Think about what that offers. Attention without reciprocity. Validation without vulnerability. And sexuality without being fully known. Connection. A feeling of connection without risking rejection. You can experience the feeling of intimacy without developing the capacity to tolerate real intimacy.

Cory Miller: So, Dr. Barta, what should someone do if he's listening and thinking, that's me?

Dr. Barta: Well, I would get curious. Instead of asking ourselves, how do I stop doing this? We have to ask ourselves a deeper and different question. Why does this feel safer than my real relationship? What am I really getting here? What am I after here? Not what I'm really getting. What sense am I getting here that's being met?

Dr. Barta: But what am I really after? Right? We got to go to why we're doing the behavior. Right? Not just say, don't do the behavior. And if we're asking ourselves, what am I getting here? Is it, do I want to feel wanted? Do I want to feel important? Do I want to be accepted? Do I want to be seen? Do I want to be understood?

Dr. Barta: Because that's what you're searching for, but you're doing this in fantasy. We got to ask ourselves, too, what am I afraid would happen if the person who really matters to me saw what was actually happening inside me? Right? We're terrified. We're like, oh, they're going to reject us.

Dr. Barta: The truth is, very few do. Humans are innately compassionate, right? If we let them know what's going on, yeah, they may be angry because we've been lying to them, but most people are going to respond with, eventually, wow, I kind of want to help you meet that need, right? I'm your partner.

Dr. Barta: So those questions take us beneath the technology because AI is new. OnlyFans is relatively new. But the human hunger underneath them all is not new. It's been around for a very long time. Human beings have always wanted to be seen. We've always wanted to matter. We've always wanted acceptance and connection.

Dr. Barta: The problem is technology is becoming extraordinarily good at creating the experience of these things without requiring what's really needed for these things, like the vulnerability, the reciprocity, the sitting with the uncertainty, and the taking emotional risk in relationships.

Cory Miller: Can someone who's gotten caught in this or stuck in this actually change?

Dr. Barta: I firmly believe yes. If you recognize that you're more comfortable with pornography, fantasy, OnlyFans, AI girlfriends, you know, even affairs, you know, sex workers, these are all controlled environments, right? We can turn them off and on as we want to, right? If they leave, yeah, it may sting, but it's not going to devastate us like our partner leaving. If you're doing this more than you're being emotionally known by your partner, it doesn't mean you're incapable of intimacy.

Dr. Barta: But there's something important to understand. You have to find out what happened that made this real intimacy feel unsafe. Maybe you learned to hide. Maybe we had to learn that we weren't able to need anyone. Maybe we learned that showing emotions isn't safe, or maybe feeling fully seen created the possibility of rejection, shame, or abandonment. Those are ways we learn to protect ourselves, and they can become automatic.

Dr. Barta: We don't even realize we're doing it, but they can change, and that's the good news, right? Healing isn't simply taking away the AI. It's not going to ever happen. We're not shutting those down, right? Closing the OnlyFans account or stopping the sexual behaviors. I mean, those things have to stop so we can start healing, right? Because we're never going to heal our inability to connect by going to places that give us a sense of connection that never do. In fact, they're just digging a deeper hole.

Dr. Barta: But we have to ask a deeper question. When the substitute for connection is gone, can I become capable of the real connection I really want?

Dr. Barta: And that's what I want to leave people with here today. If you're paying someone to make you feel wanted or asking technology to create someone who will always understand you, don't only ask whether it feels good. Ask yourself, is this helping me? Is this giving me what I need? Is this helping me become more capable of being known by the person I really love? By a real person? Or is it simply helping me avoid the vulnerability and risk that real love require?

Dr. Barta: Because you may think you're looking for sex, right? Other people may think we're looking for sex. But underneath it all, we've been starving for connection. And that's just a way that we've tricked ourselves into believing that this is actually happening. Right?

Dr. Barta: So you don't have to spend the rest of your life purchasing or creating feelings of intimacy. You can learn how to let another human being know you. You can learn how to remain present with yourself, even when you're uncomfortable. And you can stop protecting yourself from the very thing we're starving for, we're dying for, right? But we won't allow it to happen. So in essence, you can truly learn how to connect.

Cory Miller: All right. Great podcast today, for sure. Dr. Barta, thank you so much. And thank you for joining us on the Reconnection Podcast. If you'd like to learn more about Dr. Barta's work, check out drmichaelbarta.com. And we'll see you next time.

Dr. Barta: Thanks for joining me today. If you want to learn more about how this healing happens, visit drmichaelbarta.com. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Until next time, keep reconnecting.