Episode 1 - The Reconnection Model: A Neurobiological Approach to Healing Sex Addiction and Intimacy Disorders
Welcome back to Reconnection Moments, a space where we get real about intimacy disorders and healing from sexual compulsivity. Not through willpower or shame, but by gently rewiring the brain and body back into connection. I'm Dr. Michael Barta, creator of The Reconnection Model. In each episode, I'll be answering questions I hear most from clients and therapists, and I will also be sharing fresh insights from my ongoing work.
Host:Welcome to the first episode of Reconnection Moments. I'm here with Dr. Michael Barta, creator of the Reconnection Model and the Reconnection Intensives. Dr. Barta, for those new to your work, how did this model come about?
Dr. Barta:Well, so I got trained to treat addiction, right, specifically in in the sex addiction model. And what I found after a few years, was that, you know, people were doing better, but not you know, there wasn't a tremendous amount of success with the traditional model. So in 2011, I really started looking at the why. Okay? So to be able to look at the why, you have to go into neurobiology.
Dr. Barta:You have to go into how the brain and the autonomic nervous system function. And that's what I spent, you know, the next five years just completely immersing myself in that field and at the same time, you know, creating a model that, would reflect that neurobiological treatment. And so in 2013, I developed a model called TINSA. It stood for Trauma Induced Sexual Addiction. And then I wrote a book, with the same name.
Dr. Barta:And at that time, it was really groundbreaking because it was the first neurobiological approach to treating sex addictions, and it helped a lot of people, so that they could finally see and make sense of their behaviors. Right? But over time, what I realized, because that was old research, is that the TINSA model was stopping short. It explained the struggle, but it doesn't ever show people how to heal. And so with that model, there was no path forward.
Dr. Barta:And for me, that wasn't enough. So in late 2022 - 2023, I went back to the research, And I wanted to find a model that didn't just explain things, but actually could create healing in real time. And that's how the Reconnection Model was born. It's not an update of my old work. It's not an update at TINSA.
Dr. Barta:It's something entirely new. And this model gets to the root of disconnection, and it shows people how reconnection, oh, I'm sorry, it shows people how to reconnect and start healing right away. So that's how my model was born.
Host:So you talk about addiction being disconnection. Obviously, you have reconnection. So disconnection. What do you really mean by that?
Dr. Barta:Well, when we're talking about the brain and nervous system, you know, what we're looking at is that human beings are wired for connection. So this system inside of us is what helps us connect to other people. And when we're wired for connection, it means that's how we feel safe and steady. But trauma or unmet needs interrupt that system, and it never learns how to be safe. So, basically, if we don't have that system operating correctly, connection actually is gonna appear unsafe, and it's going to shift into survival mode instead.
Dr. Barta:And this survival mode shows up in a couple ways. We can go into fight, flight, and fix mode, always managing and controlling our lives, and that's what most of us do. Right? And other people shut down completely. And when connection doesn't feel safe, then what we're gonna do unconsciously is we're gonna start looking for substitutes, and addiction becomes the nervous system's way to cope.
Host:Right. I really like that you said substitutes. The behaviors, the symptoms, what I think you said is intimacy disorder . Substitutes. So can you share just a a little bit about that? I know you talk a lot about symptoms and behaviors.
Dr. Barta:Yeah.
Host:But substitutes. I think that's very enlightening to me.
Dr. Barta:It's huge. Okay. So because, you know, this wiring that is within all of us and needs to be formed correctly in order for us to actually be able to connect and what the word is, coregulate with another person. And what co regulation is when you have your nervous system, right, and there's another nervous system. And these two nervous systems are able to connect with one another, and that's forming a solid foundation.
Dr. Barta:Right? This feels safe. But, unfortunately, for people with trauma you know, if I'm traumatized, then I'm not going to be able to establish that connection. Because early trauma makes our nervous system believe that connection is unsafe because most of the things we're dealing with are relational wounds. Alright?
Dr. Barta:So when we can't have that solid foundation through co regulation, we're automatically, our brains and nervous systems are automatically going to find a way to cope. And that's where people discover these behaviors. Right? Early on, you know, typically, they find ways to cope with self soothing techniques through, like, masturbation or they stumble upon pornography or things like that. And the brain and nervous system learns that that's a way to modulate the feelings of pain of disconnection.
Dr. Barta:And because we're smart, we return to those behaviors. Because it doesn't come with a warning sign. It doesn't say this isn't the way to cope. Right? And if you continue to cope this way, it's gonna cause you problems later in life. There's no warning sign.
Dr. Barta:We just know that we now have a way to feel this sense of internal regulation when we do this behavior. And it can also appear, you know, when we find substances as well. You know? So we found something to give us that sense of internal regulation.
Host:And so we're biological imperative, as your book says, to co regulate with other humans, but these substitutes we find...
Dr. Barta:100%. Yep.
Host:Because of the wound and the early childhood wounding. So we go to these substitutes, but they have a temporary, they're the substitute for...
Dr. Barta:And, yeah, they never meet the need. So the problem with not ever meeting the need is then the brain and nervous system is constantly deep being deprived of that need. Alright? So we're actually doing self harm. Right?
Dr. Barta:We're not meeting the need. We're getting the need met in ways that are, like, pseudo but never fulfill the need. So the longer we go, the more we're deprived, the more we need to have the need met. Right? And that's where we're gonna start escalating.
Dr. Barta:That's where we're gonna start going to different behaviors to get a sense of regulation.
Host:So the behaviors actually makes a lot of sense in that light.
Dr. Barta:Yeah. They're absolutely purposeful. Now what I gotta say is they're not consciously purposeful. Right? We're doing this at an unconscious level.
Dr. Barta:Remember, the brain and autonomic nervous system are function unconsciously. Alright? But once it's, you know, found a way to find that, it's gonna keep returning to that behavior even if we don't want to. Alright? So until we heal the deep wound of the nervous system, we're gonna continue to return to these behaviors.
Dr. Barta:And that's why traditional treatment doesn't have a giant success rate is because what this traditional treatment's doing is saying, "Hey, manage your behaviors and everything will be fine." Well, if you don't get what rid of what's causing the behaviors, you're never gonna be able to manage any behavior.
Host:So it's also a signal of a need, biological imperative, as you say, and then we've used the substitutes to have a temporary sense of relief. And then we get into cycles, as you said.
Dr. Barta:Yeah. And that's a great way to put it. Right? People in recovery from the neurobiological model can use, you know, these cravings or these thoughts or these, you know, desires to return to the old way of coping as a signal that there's a need that's going unmet right now.
Dr. Barta:And then they have to meet that need in a healthy way rather than using their own coping mechanism, and that's how we start rewiring the nervous system.
Host:And you do that specifically in your intensives. Right? You help them map those things that help go back to authentic self to not choose the substitute. Could you share more on that?
Dr. Barta:That that's really all we do. Right? So they come in, and they're immersed in an environment, right, that is conducive to healing the brain and nervous system and rewiring it for safety. Okay? So in this immersive container, right, we have this group of men who come in, and, you know, I'll speak to it in later episodes and maybe touch on it here.
Dr. Barta:But what we practice is what I call the four pillars. For that entire week, these men are being nothing but authentic, vulnerable, transparent, and present. And those are the pillars that are required to rewire the nervous system so it has the ability to connect with other people. So in essence, they're embodying connection while they're there. Okay?
Dr. Barta:They're getting that installed in their nervous system because that's what we were supposed to get early on. Right? We were supposed to get that from people early on, and we never got that. So we have to redo it now, and it's absolutely possible. And it's amazing to watch these guys come in full of shame and leave feeling like they've been seen.
Host:It seems like and sounds like it's a retraining to reconnection, to that authentic connection. You described it as a container. So five days getting in here. Let's really do this in a way they've probably never experienced in their life.
Dr. Barta:They never have. No. And that's why it feels so good because it is, for the first time in their life, they're being who they truly are, not who they were taught they were or not who they think they need to be to be accepted.
Host:I imagine in those in your intensives, there's a lot of light bulb moments. . Do your clients get the sense of, like, didn't even know this existed? Can you talk to that first?
Dr. Barta:Yeah. It's brilliant. I mean, watching them is brilliant because they're like, wow. I didn't even know this was going on. You know?
Dr. Barta:I didn't know I had experienced trauma. Because when people are talking about trauma, most of the time, our minds will immediately go to some severe thing that happened to us in our lives. Right? And a lot of people didn't have huge trauma moments. They may have had one or two, and then they're like, okay.
Dr. Barta:But what's underneath is they're finding out that what caused the trauma was these relations, early relationships that we had with family members or the community or our peers or anything like that where the nervous system wasn't getting what it needed to form and function properly. And that's not meaning we had, you know, bad parents. It means that they couldn't give us what they didn't have. So it's intergenerational. Right?
Dr. Barta:And when I start talking about what the really core is, the intimacy disorder, right, which causes sex addiction and actually causes all addictions, what we're gonna find and what we do find is that this has gone back many, many generations. Right? Because you can't give what you don't have. And so instead of passing down genes, like Gaboor Mate said, we're passing down the same environment that is conducive to have people need outside regulation.
Host:Okay. So you mentioned the four pillars, and, also, you said the four practices really of reconnection.
Dr. Barta:Absolutely.
Host:Can you walk through each of those four pillars for me?
Dr. Barta:Sure. So, you know, the four pillars, again, are authenticity, vulnerability, transparency, and presence. And it's this practice that makes connection real. Without them, we have what's called intimacy disorder, And that's what's blocking closeness because our nervous systems still don't believe that connection is safe. But when people practice these, the nervous system is learning something new, that being seen and known actually does feel safe, and then that changes everything.
Dr. Barta:Authenticity is saying, this is who I really am, all of me. Right? Vulnerability is I'll risk showing you my needs. Right? Transparency is, hey, this is what's happening inside of me.
Dr. Barta:And a lot of times, you know, what we do is we hide what's happening inside of us because we all have this huge fear of rejection. So we keep things to ourselves. Right? And then what presence is being fully here right now.
Dr. Barta:We're not distracted. We're actually slowing down enough to make that connection with other people. And together, they open the door to what I explained earlier, which is called co regulation. And that's the natural process where my nervous system connected to your nervous system will settle both of our nervous systems, and that's where healing happens.
Host:Excellent. So let's talk about those intensives again. We've touched on a little bit, but what are the five day intensives in the reconnection model all about?
Dr. Barta:Sure. So like I said before, right, this is an immersive program. Right? It's where people come in and have created a container to immerse these people in. Alright?
Dr. Barta:It's not just a bunch of techniques. It's not just a bunch of, you know, getting together and talking or going through a manual, right, and learning, you know, what's going on, but it's immersive. And it's for men who are ready for more than behavior management. Right? For five days, these guys come in and they step away from their daily life into a safe place that is built for actual healing.
Dr. Barta:In the heart of the group, people come in and get together and finally get to be fully authentic. And that's the key. Right? They finally get a place where they can express themselves. They're able to say everything they've held back without judgment or shame.
Dr. Barta:And for many, it's the first time they've ever felt that where they ever really got to get it all out, be seen, be heard, be recognized. Be supported. Right? There's no shame here. There's no condemnation. There's no judgment.
Dr. Barta:Right? We're just witnessing each other's experience, and that's incredibly powerful. Right? Because we can't learn connection in our heads. We have to experience it in order to embody it.
Dr. Barta:And so that's what my intensive is about is having people actually experience connection.
Host:So the magic is really in the group.
Dr. Barta:It's huge. Yeah. And it's not only in the group. I mean, group therapy for sex addiction is, you know, research shows is absolutely the best form of therapy for this problem, and, again, because of the connection approach. But the group has to be more than just a talking group.
Dr. Barta:Right? Just an accountability group. It's gotta be a group that's having these people actually push their edge and practice each one of these four pillars. Alright? So there's a lot of risk involved.
Dr. Barta:Right? Actually, you know, the risk, it feels like risk, but it's just really that you're doing this for the first time. Alright? And once you take that risk, you learn, "Hey, it is safe to be me."
Dr. Barta:And that's pretty cool. So each day builds on the last in the intensive, and we start by mapping out how trauma and intimacy disorder or how trauma shaped our nervous systems. And then we practice the four pillars in real time together every day. Right? And that's where the shift happens.
Dr. Barta:The nervous system doesn't just hear about connection. It feels it.
Host:What kind of changes do you see by the end of the week?
Dr. Barta:Well, it goes without fail that men come in, and they're afraid. Alright? And I get it. You know? They're facing something that they've tried to avoid for a long period of time.
Dr. Barta:And, you know, it seems, strange, but it is actually, a very, very good sign that you're ready. You're done dealing with these behaviors. You're done trying to manage your own life. Right? You found that it does not work.
Dr. Barta:So a lot of times, you know, the first day or the first morning, the guys are weighed down with shame. They're convinced that they're broken, but by the end, they leave with hope, tools, and more importantly, that lived experience of connection. And many of the men report that this is the first time they've ever really felt seen, known, or accepted. And that becomes the foundation for long term healing and and their lasting sobriety.
Host:I'd imagine it's also a sentiment of "I'm not alone" either.
Dr. Barta:You know, I'm really glad you brought that up because that is said more in the intensives than probably any other statement. You know? At the end of the day, I'll go around and I say, what, you know, what are you taking away from today? And inevitably, you know, two or three people every day, so it's not always the same people, say, "I'm not alone." Right?
Dr. Barta:"I'm not in this alone. I actually have other people that I know now very, very well that are suffering from the same thing. And you know what? That guy's a pretty cool guy. So if he can do it, I can do it."
Host:Well, if listeners take one thing away today, what should it be, Dr. Barta?
Dr. Barta:Well, my big push. Right? The real message I'm trying to get out is that our addictive behaviors are not the problem. And for so long, addiction treatment has focused on the behaviors being the problem, and they totally missed the point. Right?
Dr. Barta:The behaviors aren't the problem. The behaviors are a response to something that's wrong. Right? Something that I need, I turn to because I have this internal feeling of whatever, anxiety, you know, insecurity, inferiority, right, that I turn to them as the solution to these feelings. So we have to go in.
Dr. Barta:We have to do a deep dive into the nervous system to find out what's causing the behavior. We're not gonna sit there and go, okay. Now just don't do that behavior anymore without healing what's causing the behavior because that's always never made any sense to me. And that's how I really started focusing on this model. We have to fix what's inside for the behaviors to not be necessary anymore.
Dr. Barta:Right? But until we fix that, the behaviors are always gonna come back. They're always gonna be necessary because that's the way the brain and autonomic nervous system learned how to regulate and cope with life.
Host:It's gotta be such a relief too.
Dr. Barta:You know, it is a relief. I'm just I'm sitting here talking about it, and and I actually feel the relief. I feel the relief that the men feel because this is entirely different way of seeing, you know, this problematic behavior because, you know, these guys have been trying for a long time to finally achieve what they call sobriety. Right? Well, sobriety is great, but recovery is where the rewards are.
Dr. Barta:And the recovery is about, you know, when we stop doing the behaviors and we start doing things that actually heal what's causing the behaviors. That's recovery. And that's a lifelong process, and it's a very rewarding lifelong process. Because it's like what recovery is we're just being asked to take care of ourselves. That's all it is.
Dr. Barta:Right? It's not a chore. It's like, "I get to take care of me," and we're very fortunate when we hit that stage.
Dr. Barta:Thanks for joining me today. If you want to learn more about how this healing happens, visit drmichaelbarta.com. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Until next time, keep reconnecting.