Episode 15 - Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
Welcome back to Reconnection Moments, a space where we get real about intimacy disorders and healing from sexual compulsivity. Not through willpower or shame, but by gently rewiring the brain and body back into connection. I'm Dr. Michael Barta, creator of The Reconnection Model. In each episode, I'll be answering questions I hear most from clients and therapists, and I will also be sharing fresh insights from my ongoing work.
Host:Welcome back to the Reconnection Podcast. In our last episode, we talked about how betrayed partners can begin healing their own nervous system regardless of what the partner does. Today we're talking about many couples long for but aren't sure how to achieve, and that's rebuilding trust. Dr. Michael Barta is here again today.
Host:Dr. Barta, after betrayal, trust feels almost impossible to imagine. Is rebuilding trust realistic?
Dr. Barta:Yes. It is. Okay. But you gotta know that rebuilding trust is not about convincing someone to feel safe. It's about creating repeated experiences of safety over time.
Dr. Barta:Trust is not built through promises. It's built through nervous system consistency. Right? So when his nervous system is safe, your nervous system is going to know it.
Host:I love that. Let's start there. So what is trust from a nervous system perspective?
Dr. Barta:Trust is predictability plus emotional safety. Right? When trust exists, the nervous system relaxes because it can predict the other person's behavior. It's reliable. Right?
Dr. Barta:And the emotional presence of that person. Betrayal destroys all this. Betrayal destroys the predictability. We don't know what's gonna happen. Right?
Dr. Barta:We thought we had one life when there was a completely different life going on to us. That's gonna throw anybody, I mean, way off the path of what they thought was going on. Right? So trust isn't built through promises like I just said. Right?
Dr. Barta:We have to have this consistent safety within us, and that's relational. Right? When there's this predictability, the certainty, the presence that are there, our nervous system can start going, you know what? This is really happening. What I once thought was true wasn't happening, but I can start beginning to trust because there's been a long enough time of consistency and predictability that I can start to relax.
Dr. Barta:When betrayal happens, it doesn't feel like trust was just broken. It feels like that trust was completely shattered.
Host:So as we've talked, rebuilding trust isn't intellectual. It's physiological.
Dr. Barta:This is all physiological, my friend. So according to me, anyway, you can't talk someone into trusting you. And believe me, I know, you know, the betrayer has done this repeatedly, you know, many, many times. I'll stop. Oh, please just give me one more chance.
Dr. Barta:Trust me. And then bam, it happens again. Right? As a partner, you know, don't feel bad for falling for that because, you know, the betrayer is not healed. Right?
Dr. Barta:And I love it because my brother once used this line. It's probably from somewhere else, but he goes, a leopard doesn't change its spots. Right? And so my antidote or whatever they call it to that is, yeah, the leopard won't change its spots unless there's an intervention to help it change internally. Right?
Dr. Barta:And that's what this is all about. Their body has to, you know, the partner's body has to start experiencing enough safety over time so that alarm doesn't keep ringing. Right? There's alarm that there's something wrong. When his nervous system is healed, and really that's what I want to do, that's what my whole work is about in this Reconnection Intensive and in my books and everything is, like, helping the addict return to his nervous system so that he feels safe within himself and isn't, you know, grabbing for things all the time and making everything inconsistent.
Dr. Barta:When he has that internal safety, the partner's nervous system is gonna automatically feel that. And that's when true healing starts. You know? She/they are gonna really, really start being able to relax. And there's not relax with apprehension.
Dr. Barta:There's a peaceful relaxation happening. That's true healing. Right?
Host:So what does the betrayed partner need in order to rebuild trust, to even begin rebuilding trust?
Dr. Barta:Yeah. And I keep feeling like I'm preaching the same thing. Right? But the number one thing is consistency. Behavior that matches words repeatedly, not occasionally.
Dr. Barta:Right? And the partner's gonna be on hyper alert. Right? And so they're gonna be scanning for this. Is what he's saying and what he's doing actually happening?
Dr. Barta:Right? And there may be a lot of misfires. Like, you said this, but you didn't do this. Right? So there may be this, but it's him correcting that if that occurs.
Dr. Barta:But it's more about, is he being consistent over time? The second one, which is huge, because addiction is all about secret. It's about hiding. Right? So the biggest thing you're gonna notice if your partner is healing is his transparency, and that's openness without being forced.
Dr. Barta:He's gonna talk to you about his struggles, you know, and he may be scared that, you know, you're so wounded that you're gonna say, "I don't care," or whatever, but he still needs to start taking that risk because that's vulnerability. Right? And it's not up to you to make him feel better. But it's really important at this time that he's able to express these things. You don't have to confirm it, but he has to continue to express it so that you see that there's a person behind what's being said, not just words.
Dr. Barta:Right? It's voluntary honesty, and there's no minimizing about what's going on. Right? And finally, I think a really big one is their emotional presence. His ability to stay present when they're getting confronted with your pain and your anger or your fear.
Dr. Barta:They're not freaking out. They're not going in defense. They're, to the best of their ability, grounding themselves and staying present with you. Right? And, hopefully, at some point, and it will happen if he continues doing this work, then he can start having empathy for that.
Dr. Barta:He can feel with you. Right? But right now, is he there presently? Right? Is he showing up?
Dr. Barta:Is he not defensive? Is he not shutting down? Those types of things. Right? So trust rebuilds when the nervous system begins to experience.
Dr. Barta:I can bring my pain forward, and my partner's not gonna disappear on me.
Host:So what internal work does the struggling partner have to do for trust to rebuild?
Dr. Barta:They have to increase their capacity for those four pillars. He has to be completely authentic, and that's telling the truth even when it's uncomfortable. Right? We're not trying to manage anymore how we're seen by others. We're just expressing who we are.
Dr. Barta:Right? We have to give ourselves that. I mean, that's just basic human, you know, our own self love. We have to be really vulnerable. And vulnerability is like, you know, the word comes from, wound.
Dr. Barta:Right? And so how it's been translated over the years is we have to put ourself in a position that we might be wounded. And that's when we're admitting our fear and shame instead of hiding it. And we have to be transparent. And that's allowing our life, the addict is allowing his life to be visible, not hidden, not secret, not compartmentalized.
Dr. Barta:It's all out on the table. Right? And finally, again, that presence, which is so important. Right? And he's able to stay emotionally engaged even when conflict arises.
Dr. Barta:Right? So rebuilding trust requires the struggling partner to tolerate discomfort without his ability. Right? And I should say, you know, recovering person is able to tolerate discomfort without escaping into secrecy, defense, or collapse. If he cannot sit with your pain without protecting himself, you will never be able to trust.
Dr. Barta:Okay? Trust cannot be rebuilt.
Host:So, many couples say, we just need time. Does time heal trust?
Dr. Barta:Time doesn't heal trust on its own. Repeated safe experiences are what rebuilds trust. If the same patterns continue, defenses and as emotional withdraw, secrecy, time only deepens the distance. Right? But if consistency, presence, and honesty are sustained over months and years, the nervous system is gonna recalibrate.
Dr. Barta:Trust is rebuilt through the accumulation of safety, not by passing time.
Host:How can couples tell that trust is actually rebuilding?
Dr. Barta:Well, the partner's gonna definitely know that she has fewer panic spikes. You know, the partner's gonna have less compulsive checking all the time, that hard conversations don't escalate into shutdown or defensiveness. She's gonna notice that, you know, there's this definite increase in emotional honesty and that their partner is present even while they're in pain. So trust rebuilding feels quieter than most people expect. It feels like stability returning slowly.
Host:So this refrains trust as something experiential, not emotional pressure.
Dr. Barta:Yep. It can't be demanded. It must be earned through consistent safety. And if the addict's listening to this, that's the most important thing. It's gotta be earned through consistent safety.
Dr. Barta:It's not about changing our behavior so that my partner likes me again or that they're not upset. It's about being fully present, authentic, transparent, and vulnerable at all times. Right? And that's something that has never occurred, and that's what we do in the intensive is really reinstill those pillars during that time. So that's not only to heal the relationship.
Dr. Barta:That's the only way he can heal himself is if those four pillars with himself, not just his partner. Right? It's not getting back to closeness. Healing isn't about getting back to closeness. It's about building a foundation where closeness can again, eventually feel safe.
Host:You talked a lot in this series about safety both for the spouse and to the person with intimacy disorder. And the key to all of it is nervous system regulation, I think. So you ending this with safety is is right on.
Dr. Barta:Yeah. I mean, I think nervous system regulation is synonymous with safety. Yeah.
Host:Thank you, Dr. Barta. In our next episode, we'll talk about how couples can begin reconnecting emotionally after betrayal, what early connection should and should not look like. And until then, thank you for listening to the Reconnection Podcast.
Dr. Barta:Thanks for joining me today. If you wanna learn more about how this healing happens, visit drmichaelbarta.com. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Until next time, keep reconnecting.