Episode 4 - When Survival Becomes Suffering
Welcome back to Reconnection Moments, a space where we get real about intimacy disorders and healing from sexual compulsivity. Not through willpower or shame, but by gently rewiring the brain and body back into connection. I'm Dr. Michael Barta, creator of The Reconnection Model. In each episode, I'll be answering questions I hear most from clients and therapists, and I will also be sharing fresh insights from my ongoing work.
Host:Welcome back to the Reconnection podcast. I'm here again with Dr. Michael Barta, creator of the Reconnection Model. You know, in our last episode, we explored how addiction is the nervous system's survival strategy. It's not a weakness. It's not moral failure, but the body's attempt to cope when connection feels unsafe.
Host:So today, we're gonna talk about what happens when that survival strategy turns into suffering and how that turning point can actually open the door to healing. Dr. Barta, thank you for being here today.
Dr. Barta:Thank you.
Host:So this is a pretty important topic to be discussing next in our journey with the Reconnection podcast. Why is that?
Dr. Barta:Well, because most people look at the behaviors of addiction. Right? And they're only focusing on, hey, how do we stop or manage these behaviors? But what I want to do and what I do do is to help people understand why they have the behaviors, right? So when someone feels disconnected, or they feel unsafe or overwhelmed, their nervous system is going to search for relief automatically.
Dr. Barta:All right? At first, you know, we used our sexual behaviors or we used other addictions, and they felt like lifesavers because they brought us a sense of calm, they numbed our pain, and they gave us a sense of control. And for a while, they absolutely work. But the nervous system isn't getting what it really needs, the real connection. So over time, the cost of the strategy outweighs the benefit.
Dr. Barta:And what once soothed us begins to create shame, secrecy, we could damage our relationships, and it leaves us physically exhausted. And that's when survival becomes suffering.
Host:So you're really talking about, and you've talked about it, being adaptive. It's adapting to your environment. Can you tell us a little bit more about, explain that part a little bit deeper?
Dr. Barta:Well, it's adapting to the environment. Right? So, you know, all our behaviors, whether, we know it or not, are unconscious behaviors, and they're controlled by this nervous system. So the nervous system, when it feels that it's in danger, you know, and what that means is that nervous system feels dysregulated. So it's walking around with a sense of danger, right?
Dr. Barta:Always on the outlook for what's going to happen next. But then we discovered things that would give us a temporary sense of relief from that danger, right? So that's how this adapts into the nervous system.
Host:And so it can feel, you say, danger, but kinda nuancing that down. It's any feeling where you don't feel right in the setting that, that nervous system wired in. Okay. When you feel these things, do these things.
Dr. Barta:It's an automatic response, and it's a tragic cycle. And many people get stuck here because they believe they're broken. But really, it's just meaning the nervous system is signaling us at this time, "Hey, what you're doing isn't working anymore." And that's not failure. That's information we can use to go on to a different path.
Host:So the same behavior that helps someone survive now ends up trapping them, as you just said, this tragic loop that they're in.
Dr. Barta:That's right. Exactly.
Host:And when you talk about relapse and not being failure, why is that so important in getting out of that cycle and not getting back into it and relapsing?
Dr. Barta:Well, because number one, relapse is one of the most misunderstood parts of recovery, and that adds shame on top of this suffering. But from a nervous system perspective, relapse is just communication. It's the body saying, "I don't feel safe. I still need another way to regulate." And when we treat relapse as this information instead of failure, we can respond to find what we're really after, rather than punishing ourself, and that's when our real change begins.
Host:Well, that's a powerful reframe, seeing a relapse as communication as a teacher rather than an enemy.
Dr. Barta:Yeah, because every relapse, you know, it's revealing something about the nervous system's unmet needs, and that insight becomes the next step towards healing. So it's given us information. It's like, the nervous system is telling us, "I'm still not safe," and we're still automatically going to the old behaviors that we used for a sense of safety that never worked. So instead of punishing ourselves, we say, "Okay, what needs am I not having met or am I not meeting that's making my nervous system go back to the old way it used to operate unconsciously?"
Host:So I love how you said that it's a communication thing. It is expressing some need that is unmet, but what can those things how do we dive down into those and go, "Okay, maybe this is what we need. We're using the substitute for that need." But when you talked about that communication, what's the part, I know you work on this in your intensives, talk about in your book, but how do you help people understand what is their need that they're ...
Dr. Barta:Yeah, first of all, you know and hopefully, people are reading the Reconnection book, which is free on drmichaelbarta.com. But what it means is that, we have the nervous system has essential needs that need to be met on a daily basis in order to function as it should. And those needs are, it has to have a sense of stability, right? There needs to be stability in our lives. There needs to be emotional attunement.
Dr. Barta:Now, that's just you know, we needed that when we were young from our caregivers in order to form the operating or the nervous system in a way that it would function correctly. But we also have to, you know, attune to ourselves. And what this is really saying is that need is for connection, right? And it's for real connection, where there's a chance to be authentic, vulnerable, transparent, and present. And that's why I push, you know, 12 step meetings so much is because that's a community where you can have these four pillars in place at any time.
Dr. Barta:And that's rewiring the system. It's a place where we can go do these things, you know, where we can be authentic, vulnerable, transparent, and present in complete safety. And once the nervous system learns that it can be safe with these essential pillars, it's going to start changing to using them all the time, right? So the final need, you know, that we really need, that the nervous system really needs, is the permission to absolutely express ourselves. We needed, when we were growing up, to be able to be who we are, and we needed to be valued for who we were, not what we did.
Dr. Barta:And so this is, you know, part again, and I'm talking about the community of 12 Step. I'm a valued person just for being there. I'm not doing anything. I'm not saying great things in the meeting that are changing lives. I'm valuable because I'm there.
Dr. Barta:And that gives the nervous system an incredible sense of relief knowing that, "Hey, I'm just another person, but I am valuable for just being alive."
Host:And you talk so much about groups. You include groups in your intensives for aftercare.
Dr. Barta:Absolutely.
Host:And it's all modeled there. But I can see as you've shared that how being going to a 12 step group or recovery group is a mirror back a reflection of "I'm okay as I am right now. I can practice those four..."
Dr. Barta:It's where I go to breathe. Right? I go in. My whole body relaxes. I breathe.
Dr. Barta:I'm not there to, you know, judge anybody or be judged. It's just a place where people who are exactly like me are all coming together trying to heal. It's a beautiful thing.
Host:Love and acceptance.
Dr. Barta:Yep.
Host:Well, so that's a contrast to willpower. Right? So a lot of people try to stop what they're doing through sheer willpower. And why doesn't that work?
Dr. Barta:Well, because our willpower is coming from our conscious brain. Okay? An addiction is rooted in a deeper survival system. You can't outthink or outmuscle your autonomic nervous system.
Dr. Barta:It's impossible. It's running as it should, as it was formed to protect you. And we're trying to muscle our way through, you know, and just control our behaviors, but that's not the way to do it. We have to go in and understand why these behaviors are occurring. So white knuckling, that's what it's called, it often creates more tension because we clamp down, we try harder, and we isolate ourselves.
Dr. Barta:And ironically, that makes connection feel less safe. And over time, the strain is too much, and the survival techniques will take over again. That's why people say, "I wanna stop more than anything, but I can't." It's not about lack of effort. It's about using the wrong tool for the job.
Host:So the issue isn't about strength. It's about approach.
Dr. Barta:Yes. When people learn that healing comes from not controlling and trying harder, but from reconnecting deeper, everything starts to shift. The nervous system starts to discover, "I don't need this old strategy anymore because I'm finally getting what I've always needed. I'm getting a sense of safety through my ability to connect with other people."
Host:What does that turning point look like? So when someone moves from suffering into healing.
Dr. Barta:Well, it often begins with exhaustion, right? We just tried everything we possibly could, and nothing worked. You know, we get to a point where it's like, "You know what? I gotta give up. I don't know what's gonna happen to me, but I can't continue doing this any longer."
Dr. Barta:You know, a lot of people think that consequences are going to keep them sober, which isn't true. However, consequences often start us on the road to recovery, right? But this exhaustion, these big hits to ourselves, we're kind of woken up for a minute, we're pulled out of the daze, and the allure of the addiction. And, you know, ironically, this moment of surrender opens the door because in that moment, we become open to something new. The turning point is realizing, "I don't need to fight harder."
Dr. Barta:"I need to give up and start connecting with other people." And that's when healing really begins. And in the Reconnection Model, we're doing this through the four pillars, right? We're constantly practicing authenticity, vulnerability, transparency, and presence. And when people practice these in a safe space, their nervous system begins to experience something radically different, connection that doesn't hurt, And that rewires everything.
Host:So it's not about forcing sobriety, but cultivating this safety through reconnection.
Dr. Barta:Yeah. So the whole thing is , look, all of us just want safety in our lives. I mean, I think that's mostly what we're after, right? A sense of safety. And the thing is, safety can only be achieved through connection with others.
Dr. Barta:It can't be achieved by accumulating wealth or managing my life on my own. It's built into the connection with others. So healing isn't about sobriety. It's about cultivating safety. And yes, sobriety becomes a byproduct, but it's not the goal.
Dr. Barta:The real goal is to reconnect with ourselves and with others and with life. Once that's happening, the behaviors start losing their grip naturally. When we get what we need, our nervous system isn't going to panic and try to get these needs met, you know, in quick ways. And it's kind of like when we're talking about drug seeking or seeking relief, right, through sexual behaviors, drugs, alcohol, whatever. It's the nervous system's automatic response saying, "I need relief right now," right?
Dr. Barta:But that never works. The only thing that works is allowing ourself to give us time for our nervous system to heal so that we can not go to where we really get safety, and that's in our connection with other people.
Host:Alright, somebody's listening today. What would you say to them listening to all that stuck in this this survival and suffering cycle? What would you say to them?
Dr. Barta:Well, number one is, you know, it's not about fighting anymore. It really is about giving up. You know, we have to know, I had to admit to myself that what I was doing was no longer working. And, you know, a lot of people get stuck because they're like, "Well, it's working a little bit, and if I give it up, I don't know what's going to happen. It could be much worse."
Dr. Barta:But in my experience, the people who actually do give up, they find the other side is so much better. There's just instant relief of "I no longer have to control the world," right? And that, for me and my addictions, was a daily ongoing 24/7 task. I have to control people. I have to control places.
Dr. Barta:I have to control situations so I have a sense of safety, and that came from my inability to connect with other people. But once I started learning to connect with other people, that sense of safety started happening within. I didn't need to look outside anymore. Anything I'm looking outside of myself to relieve what I'm feeling inside is ultimately gonna fail. So the answer's always, you know, we gotta begin within.
Host:Thank you, Dr. Barta. In our next episode, we're gonna be talking about those four pillars that you've mentioned, authenticity, vulnerability, transparency, and presence, and how they work together to restore safety and connection. So until then, thanks for listening to the Reconnection podcast with Dr. Michael Barta.
Dr. Barta:Thanks for joining me today. If you want to learn more about how this healing happens, visit drmichaelbarta.com. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Until next time, keep reconnecting.