Episode 9 - Substitute for Connection
Welcome back to Reconnection Moments, a space where we get real about intimacy disorders and healing from sexual compulsivity. Not through willpower or shame, but by gently rewiring the brain and body back into connection. I'm Dr. Michael Barta, creator of The Reconnection Model. In each episode, I'll be answering questions I hear most from clients and therapists, and I will also be sharing fresh insights from my ongoing work.
Host:Welcome back to the Reconnection Podcast. In our last episode, Dr. Michael Barta helped us understand how early experiences write the stories our nervous system continues to live by, stories that shape our relationships, our reactions, even our sense of self. Today, we're talking about something central to the Reconnection Model, why addiction becomes a nervous system substitute for connection, and why the behavior is never the root problem, it's a nervous system's attempt to solve a much deeper ache. Dr. Barta, welcome back.
Dr. Barta:Hey. Thanks so much. And, you know, this is an important topic because once people understand the purpose of addiction and what it's been serving, it seems to have the shame drop away. And when shame dissolves, healing then starts becoming a lot easier.
Host:So let's start with what you call the ache. What exactly is the ache beneath the addictive behavior?
Dr. Barta:Well, the ache is what we're trying to get away from, first of all. Right? And the ache is the internal void created when connection wasn't safe, consistent, or available early in life. And what that makes is we're not able to connect with ourselves, we're not able to connect with other people, and then we can't form intimate relationships because what intimacy is is that ability to connect over sustained periods of time. So this is really important to start understanding.
Dr. Barta:And when we don't have that, the internal ache can be described as "I'm alone with everything I feel." And that loneliness doesn't just go away with age, it becomes a background home in our adulthood. The ache beneath daily life, it's below our level of consciousness, but it's always there. And the thing is, as most people mix up is, they think addiction is about pleasure, but it's not about pleasure. It's not irresponsible or it's not a moral failure.
Dr. Barta:It's trying to soothe that ache when the body doesn't know how to find comfort with other people.
Host:So addiction isn't the pursuit of intensity, it's that pursuit of relief?
Dr. Barta:Yes. And when the nervous system lacks the early experience of safe connection, it doesn't learn how to calm through presence with another person. So instead, it finds substitutes, and we'll substitute things like porn, alcohol affairs. We can use food, gambling, constant productivity, you know, that busyness, emotional intensity, fantasy, or even behavior that temporarily shifts the internal state in any way. The behaviors work for a moment because they minimize or mimic what the nervous system thinks it's getting through real connection, which is a sense of relief, the quieting of our anxiety, a softening of our distress, and a moment where the body feels less alone.
Dr. Barta:That's what the addictive behaviors are giving us. So they're substitutes for what we get with real connection. But because these substitutes don't provide long term relational nourishment, the body is wired for our relief phase quickly, and when it fades, that ache feels stronger than ever.
Host:Which explains why someone can be successful, intelligent, even deeply loved, and still feel pulled into behavior they don't want.
Dr. Barta:Yeah. Absolutely. The pull isn't towards the behavior. It's toward the temporary relief of the lifelong ache. Addiction is borrowed regulation, a nervous system reaching for anything that gives it, even for a moment, what connection is supposed to offer.
Host:One of the most powerful parts of your model is that it removes judgment. So you're saying the nervous system is doing the best it can.
Dr. Barta:Yeah. Because what the nervous system is saying is, "I don't know how to soothe when I'm in the presence of other people. I've never learned that safety comes through connecting with other people. So I'm going to use the only thing I trust." This is the logic that's behind what we talked about before was intimacy disorder.
Dr. Barta:So when connection feels dangerous, we're going to seek substitutes to give us the same feeling. When vulnerability feels unsafe, we're going to rely on that intensity the addiction gives us. And when present feels threatened, we disappear into fantasy or shut down. When we feel shameful, we numb them. And none of this is conscious, it's survival.
Dr. Barta:Addiction is a nervous system doing what it believes necessary to get through the moment.
Host:That reframes everything to me. Makes sense of behaviors people don't understand, even their own.
Dr. Barta:Yeah. You know, when our system was overwhelmed, alone, or feeling desperate, you know, we're gonna act out. And then when they say, "I don't know why I acted out," you know, we can see clearly the conversation shifts from what's wrong with me to what happened to me that makes connection feel unsafe. That question opens the door to healing.
Host:So if addiction is a substitute for connection, what does real connection offer that addiction can't?
Dr. Barta:Well, real connection offers what the nervous system has been longing for since childhood. It wants steadiness. It wants to be seen. It wants emotional synchronicity. It wants to feel safe in closeness.
Dr. Barta:It wants authentic presence, and it wants relief without shame. Right? So we want to be accepted without having to perform, and this is why healing never comes from behavior management. You can't stop the behavior and still feel lost, feel empty, and still feel the ache. I should say you can stop the behavior, but the ache is still there, right?
Dr. Barta:And so addiction was never the problem, it was a signal. And the real problem was isolation, misunderstanding, shame, and nervous system that never fully learned that it could rest in the presence of other people. And when connection becomes possible, it's genuine, safe, and honest connection, the nervous system finally relieves what the addiction was imitating. And once the real thing is available, the substitution loses its power because it always feels better than the high of the addiction.
Host:Dr. Barta, thank you. This completely shifts how we understand addiction, not as a moral issue, but as an intimacy issue rooted in the nervous system's adaptations.
Dr. Barta:Well, thanks a lot. And I hope the listeners take one thing away from this, that addiction was never evidence of being broken. It was evidence of longing. And that longing is healed through connection, not control.
Host:In our next episode, we'll talk about why white-knuckling fails, why willpower alone can't heal intimacy disorder, and how shame, secrecy, and self protection actually strengthen the cycle. Till then, thank you for listening to the Reconnection Podcast.
Dr. Barta:Thanks for joining me today. If you wanna learn more about how this healing happens, visit drmichaelbarta.com. And if this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. Until next time, keep reconnecting.