If You Could Just Stop, You Would Have by Now
"I can put a filter on a phone. I can't put a filter on shame."
If someone could simply stop compulsive sexual behavior, wouldn't he have by now? Dr. Michael Barta explains why stopping the behavior is essential, and why it isn't the same as treating what drives it.
Much of addiction treatment grew out of the alcohol and drug model: abstinence, triggers, relapse prevention and accountability. Those tools matter, especially while a betrayed partner is still being harmed. But sexuality can't be removed from a life the way alcohol can, and what drives the behavior travels with the man: shame, loneliness, inadequacy, attachment patterns and a nervous system that can't tolerate vulnerability. Dr. Barta argues for stopping the behavior and treating its causes at the same time.
In this episode, you will discover:
If someone could simply stop compulsive sexual behavior, wouldn't he have by now? Dr. Michael Barta explains why stopping the behavior is essential, and why it isn't the same as treating what drives it.
Much of addiction treatment grew out of the alcohol and drug model: abstinence, triggers, relapse prevention and accountability. Those tools matter, especially while a betrayed partner is still being harmed. But sexuality can't be removed from a life the way alcohol can, and what drives the behavior travels with the man: shame, loneliness, inadequacy, attachment patterns and a nervous system that can't tolerate vulnerability. Dr. Barta argues for stopping the behavior and treating its causes at the same time.
In this episode, you will discover:
- The False Choice: why stopping the behavior and treating the cause don't have to compete
- Then What?: what happens when a man stops and everything he was escaping is right in front of him
- Not a Substance: why sexuality presents a different challenge from alcohol or drugs
- A Filter Can't Reach Shame: what goes with a man no matter which boundaries he sets
- Tools, Not Treatment: where accountability and relapse prevention help, and where they run out
- Sobriety Before Trauma Work?: the difference between stabilizing someone and postponing the deeper work
- Understanding Isn't Excusing: how knowing where the behavior came from increases accountability
This is for men who have stopped, or tried to stop, and keep ending up in the same place; for partners wondering why stopping hasn't been enough; and for clinicians weighing behavior-first approaches.
Gentle Next Step: Ask yourself the question at the center of the Reconnection Model®: when the behavior is gone, what has to be possible instead?
Learn more about Dr. Barta's monthly Reconnection Intensives at drmichaelbarta.com and watch the full video version on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@ReconnectionModel.
Gentle Next Step: Ask yourself the question at the center of the Reconnection Model®: when the behavior is gone, what has to be possible instead?
Learn more about Dr. Barta's monthly Reconnection Intensives at drmichaelbarta.com and watch the full video version on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@ReconnectionModel.